(Credit: hpgruesen from pixabay)
During summer they
Laughed at my prickly needles.
But who’s laughing now?
All posts tagged humor
Smug Pine
Posted by Beatrix MGN on February 12, 2018
https://abolg.wordpress.com/2018/02/12/smug-pine/
Uranus
Uranus. The butt of many jokes. Credit: NASA
Father of titans
What would you say if you knew
Of all the butt-jokes?
Posted by Beatrix MGN on January 24, 2018
https://abolg.wordpress.com/2018/01/24/uranus/
Important Announcement!
The Glow Cloud is coming.
All hail The Glow Cloud!
Posted by Beatrix MGN on December 1, 2015
https://abolg.wordpress.com/2015/12/01/important-announcement/
Try The Void!
(Credit: noupe.com)
From the void I come, bringing gifts of forgetfulness.
If your eyes have seen things, you wish they had not, throw them in the void!
Throw your painful recollections in the void, I mean. It is much better than a vault. Put your memories in a vault and they might return someday, the vault might leak or be destroyed by meddling pests, but throw something in the void and it’s gone forever.
And it will never fill up!
Throw in anything, your high school years, the death of your sibling, last Christmas, the song too if you want, and the void will remain as empty as when you first stared into it.
And what will it cost you?
Nothing!
That is, there will be a hole of nothing where your discarded memory was, and you might feel it tugging once in a while, especially on lonely nights.
Just remember, you can dispose of anything in the void,
physical things included.
(Credit: Fazboggle from moistmeme.wikia.com)
Posted by Beatrix MGN on November 29, 2015
https://abolg.wordpress.com/2015/11/29/try-the-void/
Water Park
(Credit: LTM, Elena Krauße)
He had to admit that this was probably not the best water park in the galaxy. In fact, it probably wasn’t a water park at all. His ship had said that this planet was 71 percent water, but this place was mainly just sand and scorching heat. There was barely any moisture in the air.
He slid down a dune in the hope of getting some fun out of his visit, but the sand got into his trousers and made him all itchy. When he met some of the locals, he convinced them that building a water park would be a good idea. He was not sure whether they got the details, but they seemed enthusiastic about his drawings. However, after six months, they were still only laying the foundation of limestone for a support for one of the slides, so he took a quick dip in a large river and went home.
Posted by Beatrix MGN on November 11, 2015
https://abolg.wordpress.com/2015/11/11/water-park/
An Explanation
”There is a rational explanation for everything,” says the sock puppet. The brown yarn above its button eyes is supposed to resemble my hair, but all in all it is a less than flattering portrait. “You’re just a big fat cheat,” it sneers.
“There is an explanation,” I say, “it’s probably…” I rack my brains as Tiffany closes the puppet’s mouth and opens her own.
“There is nothing above us but clear sky,” she says, “there’s nothing below us but air and then rocky mountain path, there’s no wind, and we can turn about 360 degrees in any direction, but we can’t get down.”
“It could still be some sort of virtual reality,” I say, “or a dream.”
“Really?” says Tiffany.
“Ok, so what if it is magic,” I say, “that’s still just science, we don’t know how to explain yet.”
“That’s still just science,” the puppet says with a high squeaky voice.
“Could you put that thing away?” I say, “we need to think of a way down from here.”
“You should probably just apologize to that old witch lady.”
“Not a chance.”
“I knew you’d say that. And I know you mean it.” Tiffany sighs and lowers the puppet and we both gently float to the ground. “I don’t mind your points of view, but you’re always a dick about them. I’ll go for a hike on my own, somewhere else.” She jumps into the sky and flies off into the sunset before I can ask her how she did it.
Posted by Beatrix MGN on October 7, 2015
https://abolg.wordpress.com/2015/10/07/an-explanation/
Alien Cookies
One BIG eye, staring at me.
I didn’t say anything. I remember the thought crossing my mind that I hoped she wasn’t here for anal probing. Or he. I have no idea what alien sexes are supposed to look like. I don’t even know whether their species has sexes. But I’m going to call her she, because she had these long eyelashes around her eye and large red lips under her eye stalk.
I think I was in some sort of shock. I mean, I’ve walked home over the field a thousand times before, but never before had I found myself face to eye with an alien. And it was so sudden. I might have been in my own thoughts, but without a sound, she was just suddenly there, holding out a baking pan with cookies towards me.
I blinked, wondering whether it would make any sense for me to ask her whether she was offering me cookies. She held out the baking pan further towards me. I took one, only slightly distracted by small rat-like heads looking at me from the pocket in her red spotted apron. The cookie smelled sugary. I couldn’t recognise the darker spots in its brown matter. I thought it might be chocolate or raisins. Then the thought struck me that it might be something else entirely. What if it was poison? She seemed friendly, but how would an alien know what a human can eat? I swallowed and looked into her large eye, studied the blood vessels. She looked expectant. But again, I had no idea. I still haven’t. It might have been her way of saying that she hates me.
I nibbled at the cookie and sugary sweetness burst into me. Oh, if you ever get the chance to eat a cookie like that, don’t miss it. It’s like hot chocolate when a storm is shaking the roof and rain is splashing against the windows, it’s like an unexpected kiss from that crush you’ve had all year, then it’s like floating into a kingdom made of clouds and half sleeping through an unknown number of days.
Then I woke up under a bush. The sun was high in the sky. I rolled onto my side with a groan and after gathering my strength for maybe an hour, I struggled to my feet. I felt dizzy as I made my way home. Dizzy and shaky, and my butt was sore and I really, REALLY wanted another cookie.
Posted by Beatrix MGN on September 30, 2015
https://abolg.wordpress.com/2015/09/30/alien-cookies/
65 Horror
“A disembodied hand crawled across the street, as behind it zombies in skimpy nurse uniforms turned their unseeing eyes towards me. If only I had not showered that day, but the fresh fruity scent of my hair drew them right to me. Such cruel irony; you know I have always dreamed to die by being torn apart by sexy nurses or policewomen, but although the nurse uniforms were revealing, the zombies were not at all sexy on account of their rotting flesh. And I’m not into males, zombies or no. Oh the horror! The unspeakable horror!”
“You could have just said that you didn’t have time for a shower this morning,” I said.
“When the zombie apocalypse comes, you will wish that you too smelled of dead rat,” he pointed an accusing finger at me.
“Sure,” I put in my nose plugs, “let’s get this over with.”
And we drove up to the lake to dump our failed virus experiment.
Posted by Beatrix MGN on August 16, 2015
https://abolg.wordpress.com/2015/08/16/65-horror/
This sentence was written
(Credit: Matt H. Wade)
On his deathbed the sage said to his student:
Write me an epitaph, when I’m gone. Do not flatter me in it. You can write of my virtues, but only the ones you have seen with your own eyes or felt on your own body. Beauty is truth and truth beauty, so write something true.
Let it be something that people can think on. Something philosophical in nature would be fitting. Make it at least as philosophical as you know me to be. I want people to remember how deep my thoughts were when they read it.
However, do not be too scholarly when you write it, do not make it seem aloof to the common man. That would just make me unpopular among them. People fear or sometimes hate what they do not understand. So write it so that anyone can understand it. And do not use too many long words either. In fact, keep it short all in all. Brevity is the soul of wit, so the shorter the better. As long as it says something.
The sage has now been interred and according to his wishes, his student wrote an epitaph which has been engraved over the entrance of the mausoleum. It says:
This sentence was written.
Posted by Beatrix MGN on June 28, 2015
https://abolg.wordpress.com/2015/06/28/this-sentence-was-written/
Can I?
(Credit: 7-themes.com/6968639-sunset-beach-scenery.html)
‘Can I?’ he asked as the setting sun had painted the sand orange and the grass beyond turned blue in comparison.
‘Can you what?’ she raised her head from her knees.
‘You know,’ he glanced at her trousers.
‘I’m afraid I don’t,’ she said.
‘You know, will you let me,’ he looked up and down the empty beach. ‘Oh, come on, you know.’ He edged closer. Their arms touched.
‘I’m telling you I don’t,’ she said searching his face.
‘Don’t make me say it outright,’ he said.
‘Well if you don’t, you can watch the rest of the sunset alone,’ she pushed herself up.
‘Wait,’ he took her wrist, ‘can I,’ he swallowed a lump in his throat. ‘Will you let me try on your trousers?’
Posted by Beatrix MGN on June 23, 2015
https://abolg.wordpress.com/2015/06/23/can-i/
The Versatile Blogger Award
From Scriptor Obscura. Visit her at scriptorwrites.wordpress.com
One Lovely Blog Award
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Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness
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A Bolg? 